He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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