They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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