I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
