Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
