Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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