Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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