I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
