Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
