"it" just moved
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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