You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
