Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
