it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
