Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize