as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
