i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
