When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
