She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
