thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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