so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
