I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
