Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
