checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
