I am spending my child support on dildos
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
