Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
