mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
