dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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