Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
