I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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