Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
