I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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