make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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