The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
