And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
