you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
