It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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