They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If I die, sorry about rent.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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