dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
