he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
