She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
