i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
