Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
