Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
