I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
