I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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