Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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