And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
