i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
