i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
