Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
