Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
